Your Emotions Are Brilliant
Your Emotions Are Brilliant:
A Fresh Perspective through Emotion-Focused Therapy
We all experience a wide range of emotions every day - disappointment, jealousy, sadness, anger, happiness, the list goes on. We also learn to label various experiences as positive or negative based on how they make us feel. For instance, hiking energizes and calms me, making it a positive experience. A trip to the dentist makes me nervous and uncomfortable, categorizing it as a negative experience. This connection between feeling and the type of experience happens rapidly in our brains, often unconsciously. It involves two crucial steps, a process that, once made aware of, is vital for understanding ourselves and how we relate to others. Let's explore this together.
The Unconscious Connection:
Experience and Emotion
The creation of our emotions involves our feelings, thoughts and actions simultaneously. It motivates our behaviour and influences the way we interact with others. Simply said, emotions matter. So how do they work?
Emotions act as messengers, carrying essential information about our inner world, needs, and desires. We can visualize this process as having one foot in the past and one in the present, with signals from the past influencing our present actions to protect us based on what we've learned. Dr. Tori Olds explains this concept in more detail in this video. Ultimately, it's like mental gymnastics—our brain's way of doing the splits. This process requires energy and effort, which is helpful when we are in real danger but emotionally draining when we're stuck in past experiences that felt frightening, isolating, or uncomfortable. So, how do we know if we're stuck in this cycle?
Getting Stuck in the Past
We often associate being stuck in the past with thoughts of past events or interactions. However, it goes deeper. When we experience events that overpower our mind, body, and nervous system, we're left with the residue of these experiences. I use the term "residue" to describe the unsettled, anxious, or high-alert feeling that lingers. Examples include a sudden breakup, a betrayal by a friend, the unexpected loss of a pet, or a direct violation of our needs or boundaries. This can also involve other forms of trauma, anything too big for our system to handle. In such situations, our brain holds on to lessons they learned as a way to prevent their recurrence and protect us if they do. Smart, right? But what if we're actually safe, now? This is when we might wonder why our sense of joy is missing, why we feel unsettled or uncomfortable in our own bodies, or where our sense of calm has gone. In essence, our brain is ready to fight, run or freeze even during times of safety. This is where the gift of this therapeutic work comes into play.
Getting to Know Our Emotions
I hope you're beginning to see how complex our emotions truly are. Beyond helping us stay safe and learn important lessons from the past, they also facilitate our connection with others, especially in relationships. We are inherently wired to share our experiences, and our emotions provide vital cues that friends, family, coworkers, and beyond can perceive and attempt to understand. This emotional transfer is how our system communicates, saying, "Share this joy with me" or "I am sad and I need your support right now because I can't do it alone." Our hope is that our cue will be read accurately and we will get exactly what we need, right? In reality, they can be misinterpreted and misunderstood, depending on who we are reaching out to and their perception of the situation. If you want to delve deeper into this experience, especially how it shows up with our partners, Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT, eloquently explains it here.
You might be wondering, "Why didn't I know this?" or "My emotions aren't smart; they ruin my relationships!" The truth is, it is common to grow up in an environment where certain emotions are deemed acceptable or unacceptable. Perhaps, when you expressed strong emotions like fear or anger, you were told, "Don't be scared, that’s silly." or "You are angry, you need a time out." Over time, these messages convinced us that "my feelings are wrong, I must suppress them. If I don’t, I'll get in trouble or lose my sense of connection with someone I love." As we suppress, we create a disconnect. After all, it is easier not to feel something that creates disconnection. This is when we may try and think our way out of a feeling; ie. “I shouldn’t feel sad, other people have had worse”. As we work to disconnect from our uncomfortable feelings we are also disconnecting with the important messages they are trying to convey. So, what now?
Emotion-Focused Therapy: Uncovering Your Needs
Instead of suppressing or avoiding our emotions, EFT encourages us to embrace and explore them in a safe and supportive therapeutic setting. The goal is to rediscover the awareness you were born with. After all, as a baby, you cried when you were hungry, tired, or needed comfort, communicating your needs confidently. This innate ability isn't lost; it simply requires time (and self-compassion) to locate and relearn.
In therapy, we can work together to understand the messages your emotions are trying to convey. We slow down the experience of the emotion, tune into the message it's sending, and uncover the core need that has been missing in your life.
For example:
Anger may signal that your boundaries have been crossed, a sense of fairness is missing, or your trust has been broken.
Sadness may indicate a longing for comfort, connection, or support.
Fear might signify a need for safety, security, or predictability during a season of change.
Understanding the core needs behind our emotions allows us to address them more effectively. This not only enhances our self-awareness but also improves the way we connect with others, fostering more meaningful and supportive relationships. In essence, EFT can help you feel seen, heard, and understood.
Try this today:
When we approach our emotions with curiosity rather than judgment, we can allow them to flow through us, which is the first step in understanding their message.
Find a comfortable position, whether sitting or lying down. You can close your eyes or keep them open.
Focus on your breath, making an effort to lengthen your inhale and exhale.
Pay attention to your body sensations and thoughts. Try to identify the feeling present.
Label your experience with an emotion, such as "I feel irritated." As you breathe, repeat the sentence, "I feel irritated." The simple act of naming the emotion can have a settling effect.
If your mind tends to justify the experience or add guilt, take a breath and repeat, "I feel irritated." Your system is offering valuable insights into its beliefs about irritation.
That's it for this first important step in learning to recognize our emotions for what they are, which then, provides us with the opportunity to pause and make choices about how to deal with them. The more you practice this, the more natural and intuitive it will become. It's a simple yet powerful technique.
If you're interested in exploring Emotion-Focused Therapy further or need support on your emotional journey, consider reaching out. You don't have to navigate this journey alone!
